I feel like I am reliving the same 28 days over and over. On Day 1 I just sit in the shower and I cry so no one in the house can hear me. So no one knows that I was stupid enough to actually think that I thought this month was going to be different. Around day 3 usually comes the anger. Sometimes I cry out, "Why is this happening to me?" I never get an answer. I don't know if it's because I can't hear it or maybe there really isn't one to be given. The days between this day and day 9 I usually feel that maybe it is time to give up. To just accept that this is "what's meant to be" because that's what people keep telling me. Around day 10 I usually begin to feel this sense of restored hope. That somehow even after 30+ months of disappointment this month will be different. It HAS to be different. Then on Day 15 I get a positive ovulation test and for the next 13-15 days I think how can I not be? How can this not happen? I look at the calendar and count ahead 40 weeks figuring out when I would be due. I convince myself that I am having "symptoms" and that I must be pregnant even though just last month I did the same thing and promised myself I would never do this again. Around day 25 I feel anxious every time I go to the bathroom. I check the calendar and count days over and over again hoping and pleading that it won't happen- that I won't bleed. But then I do and all hope is lost and there I am in the shower crying so no one in the house can hear me. So no one knows that I was stupid enough to actually think that I thought this month was going to be different.
This month was a little different though because on day 17 I found out that I have to have my right tube removed. And that if the insurance doesn't approve of this "elective" surgery I have to have my tubes tied.
On Day 17 I found out that what I thought for a long time was true. That something was wrong with me. That Jackson was a miracle. I told people he was. I knew he was.
On Day 17 I felt content that I FINALLY knew what was wrong with me.
On Day 17 I felt hopeful. That this was going to get fixed.
Today is day 20. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel anxious. I feel like I don't know how to handle this. I hate my body because it won't let me have a baby.
Tomorrow is day 21. I want to feel hope again.