8 Weeks and 2 Days

I saw my precious little baby on August 8th. My little peanut's heart beating away on that screen. Our little miracle. They gave me 4 pictures. This is all I have left to prove that my baby once was.  That was the first and last time I ever saw him.

Before Our Loss- Our Story (Part 1)

It was 6:00 am. Nausea woke me up for the second day in a row. I had a test hidden in the back of the cabinet in the bathroom. (It was hidden because Sam didn't like it when I put myself through the heartache of taking a test and seeing a negative month after month for 4 years.) Everyone was asleep so I thought I would take the test, see a negative, take it out the trash outside and no one would ever know I once again put myself through this kind of torture. I laid the test on the counter and thought, "You're so stupid! Why are you even doing this? You know what it's going to be." I sat on the toilet and waited. I saw one line come up showing the test was working. I look back seconds later and see another line. I was in shock. Could this really be? I ran in and woke up Sam. I don't think he realized what I was saying, especially through the tears. He told me to go to CVS and get more tests. I took 2  more over the next 2 hours. 

All positive. 

We were pregnant. 

We finally got our little miracle. 

We were so happy. 

In an instant this baby restored joy and hope into our lives.

28 Days

I feel like I am reliving the same 28 days over and over.  On Day 1 I just sit in the shower and I cry so no one in the house can hear me. So no one knows that I was stupid enough to actually think that I thought this month was going to be different.  Around day 3 usually comes the anger.  Sometimes I cry out, "Why is this happening to me?" I never get an answer. I don't know if it's because I can't hear it or maybe there really isn't one to be given.  The days between this day and day 9 I usually feel that maybe it is time to give up. To just accept that this is "what's meant to be" because that's what people keep telling me.  Around day 10 I usually begin to feel this sense of restored hope.  That somehow even after 30+ months of disappointment this month will be different.  It HAS to be different. Then on Day 15 I get a positive ovulation test and for the next 13-15 days I think how can I not be? How can this not happen? I look at the calendar and count ahead 40 weeks figuring out when I would be due. I convince myself that I am having "symptoms" and that I must be pregnant even though just last month I did the same thing and promised myself I would never do this again.  Around day 25 I feel anxious every time I go to the bathroom. I check the calendar and count days over and over again hoping and pleading that it won't happen- that I won't bleed.  But then I do and all hope is lost and there I am in the shower crying so no one in the house can hear me.  So no one knows that I was stupid enough to actually think that I thought this month was going to be different. 

This month was a little different though because on day 17 I found out that I have to have my right tube removed.  And that if the insurance doesn't approve of this "elective" surgery I have to have my tubes tied. 

On Day 17 I found out that what I thought for a long time was true. That something was wrong with me. That Jackson was a miracle.  I told people he was.  I knew he was. 

On Day 17 I felt content that I FINALLY knew what was wrong with me.

On Day 17 I felt hopeful.  That this was going to get fixed.

Today is day 20. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel anxious. I feel like I don't know how to handle this. I hate my body because it won't let me have a baby.

Tomorrow is day 21. I want to feel hope again.

Creekside Ward Super Saturday

Hello ladies of the Creekside Ward! Our Super Saturday will be on October 20th at 10:00 a.m.  We will be asking that sisters sign up to bring soups, salads, and desserts.  Pictures and prices of the crafts available to make on Super Saturday are shown below. Please see me for an order form if you need one.  All money and order forms are due to me by Sunday, September 8th.  Some of the crafts require you to bring your own acrylic craft paint.  These can be found at Hobby Lobby, Joann's, and Michael's for as little as 65 cents!  There will also be a FREE card making class hosted by Rhonda Paterson from 10 am until 11 am ONLY!! We are looking forward to seeing all of you at Super Saturday!!!

Behold Him Blocks

Price: $21
Size: 19.5" long x 9 " tall

(Paper and embellishments may vary. The paper will be the same colors, browns and tans, as paper above.)

Hope, Love, Faith Sign

Price: $13

Size: 12x12 inches

Vinyl Stencil

Antique White Paint Provided to Paint Board and your Choice of either Black or Brown Paint for Lettering. You bring your own accent paint color if desired.

Love is the Tie Board

Price: $13

Size: 12x12 inches

Please note: Grey Paint will not be Provided!

Antique White Paint Provided to Paint Board and your Choice of either Black or Brown Paint for Lettering. You bring your own accent paint color if desired. 

 

Family Rules Subway Art

$17

Cream, Brown and Black Vinyl Options

You need to bring your own acrylic craft paint to paint your wood board.
(2 small bottles would be more than enough to cover the entire board)

 Halloween Subway Art

Price: $18 

Size: 10x24 inches

Your Choice of:

Black Paint with Orange Vinyl

Black Paint with Cream Vinyl

and White Paint with Black Vinyl

Thanksgiving/Fall Subway Art

Price: $18

Size: 10x24 inches

Your Choose:

Brown Paint with Cream Vinyl

or 

Antique White Paint with Brown Vinyl

(if you would like a different color paint option please bring your own paint)

 

Christmas Subway Art

Price: $18
Size: 10x24 inches

(Stenciled Boards Not Available)

Color Options:
Antique White Board with Red Vinyl
or
Red Board with Cream Vinyl (pictured above)

If you would like a different paint color please you need to provide your own.

 Primitive Wood Stackers

Price: $9

Size: 9x7.5 inches + added height for bow

Trick or Treat Stacker: $9

Autumn, Harvest, Blessings Stacker: $9

Joy, Peace, Believe Stacker: $9

Prayer Stacker: $9

**FOR PRAYER STACKER ONLY**

Your choice of either black or brown vinyl and you need to bring an accent paint color (acrylic craft paint) for bottom wood piece. Your ribbon will either be black or brown depending on the color vinyl you choose.

Monogramed Soap Bottle

Price: $4

Your Choice of Black or Brown Vinyl

Please specify Monogram letter on Order Form

 

 

 Christmas Tile Coasters

Set of 5

Price: $6

If you would like to personalize these coasters you can bring family photos that can be cut down to  3.5 x 3.5 inch squares. Perfect gift from grandparents, aunts, uncles, or for your own home!!! :) Please bring photos that have been printed at a photo lab.  Photos printed from a home computer will be ruined by the Mod Podge.

Holy cow I am going to be busy!!! Be a doll and get your orders in as soon as you can!!! ;)

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time long, long ago getting pregnant was so easy. Once upon a time long, long ago I was healthy. There were no such thing as monthly doctor visits and blood tests or daily medication. Oh how I long for that once upon a time long, long ago!

"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting.  We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come."

-Joseph F. Smith

On the road again....

I am back on the road again... The trying for a baby road. I am happy to be back. Before the rest stop I was at about mile marker 584. That's how many days we tried... Give or take a few. I am supposed to somehow trick my mind that I am really only on mile marker 0 and starting over because those first 584 miles didn't count. I was excited about the idea of getting back on the road. I was sick of being stuck with "engine problems" at the rest stop. But this road is scary. It's every twenty ninth mile or so that usually gets the best of me... Like today. I am at mile twenty nine and it is so painful here. This is usually the point where my heart is crushed into a thousand hopeless pieces. Usually there are people here at mile 29 but they're celebrating. Sam and I were driving today. Jack was in the back seat. Sam said to me can you imagine another little baby back there. I responded most painfully with, "no, I really can't." I used to imagine lots of babies in my backseat. But I don't anymore. I can't. It's so painful. I want another baby in that back seat and in our family so badly. I just don't know how many more miles it will take. This road can feel so lonely at times. It can be so depressing and long. I hate not knowing how long this trip is going to take, but I believe it is taking me to a wonderful place and so I travel on.

Miracles

"... the natural results of the Messiah's presence among men."

Isn't this one of the most astonishing and beautiful things you have ever read.  I came across these words in my reading last night.  I felt this overwhelming peace throughout my body and in my heart, and in that very same moment I felt this feeling of guilt. I felt guilty that I was waiting- waiting for some large, grand miracle in my life to take place.  I felt guilty that I took for granted the many miracles that take place in my life each and every day!  I have realized that it takes more effort to not see miracles in our lives than it does to see them.  They are all around me.  They are not just happening to others.  They are happening in my own life too.  How thankful I am for the Savior. How thankful I am for this tender mercy from the Lord. How thankful I am for the miracles His presence has brought into my life.

Let Go

This sounds really great in theory, but how do I actually do this?

Grave's Disease

Last week the doctor called to confirm that my scan showed that I have Grave's Disease- before I go on please know that this is treatable and even perhaps curable.  I am writing this post because I am seeking out guidance.  There are basically 3 methods of treatment. The first one is surgery to remove my thyroid. At this point that is really not an option. The second is Radioactive Iodine Therapy, otherwise known as radiation, which will kill my thyroid and cure me of Grave's but will bring about hypothyroidism. The third option, is to be on the medication Propylthyouracil for the rest of my life or until Grave's mysteriously disappears, if it so chooses.  I am really not sure about which of the latter two I want to do.  The radiation will require me to be in isolation until my body stops emitting Iodine- this usually takes about 7 days. I then will be tested every couple of weeks-once a month to monitor my TSH and T4 levels until I reach a state of hypothyroidism. In addition to the seven days of isolation, which in and of itself seems almost unbearable for me, I have to wait six months before I can try for a baby and could possibly be infertile for a year.  The radiation seems like it is a "quick fix" but is it really? I will still be medicine dependent because I will have to be treated for hypothyroidism instead of Grave's and hyperthyroidism.  Moving on to Propylthiouracil and my concerns with that. My doctor told me that this medication is safe during the initial stages of pregnancy. Not sure what this means exactly? I have read that it is "safe" during the first trimester and then often you have to switch to a different medicine during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters. I also have read that is is transferred through the placenta.  The medication also has other risks just like all medications do. Now I am sure after reading this you are all thinking hello Megan do the radiation, but I have had doctors tell me to avoid it. Not just my doctor but doctors my mom has talked to on her flights- one doctor actually has Grave's Disease herself. I am just hoping that someone will read this who has been in my shoes and be able to offer some advice. I am looking to hear from someone who is still in their child bearing years  or who dealt with this disease during their child bearing years and either has taken the medication while pregnant or has done the radiation before getting pregnant.  I need help! Please know that this isn't all because I want a baby. I would rather have no more children if it is too risky to have a baby with Grave's disease. I have a child and a husband to think about here and now. That is my concern. But there are so many factors that go into choosing between the medicine and the radiation. I feel at a loss as to what to choose.  Praying for help!!!!

Update...

This will be short and to the point...

I took Jackson to his original pediatrician (who we had to stop seeing when I was laid off last year) and she said there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with his head! I couldn't be happier. She was very thorough and explained a lot of the "what ifs" that our other doctor did not explain. We are very happy and content. I haven't worried about his head since! Yay! Clouds are parting!

I had testing done on Friday. I won't get the results for 2 weeks. Yikes! The doctor did not see any lesion on my cervix this time, but said there is definitely something going on with my cervix. It continues to bleed throughout the month-- mostly around the 21st day of my cycle! I will keep you posted. I am praying everything is ok.

Still not pregnant. Sometimes I think this is a good thing because what if I was pregnant and there is something wrong with me. Sometimes I think I am not pregnant because there MUST be something wrong with me. Sometimes I want to give up and adopt a baby girl from China in hopes that my sisters in law will help us pay for all of the paperwork! They love Asia! :) Sometimes I just try to accept that I may only have one child. Sometimes I just don't understand all of this, well a lot of time I don't understand it.

We have not heard any thing more from our insurance company regarding the accident. Out of sight out of mind-- not the lady who is hurt of course, but just the worry of being sued is. We will see how this runs it course.

This is a really quick update on us.... Thanks for all of your prayers and concern!

"The Not So Road Less Traveled"

I have felt so overwhelmed with emotion for the past day. For months now I have felt alone. I have felt great pain with every pregnancy announcement, baby shower invitation, weekly facebook updates with belly photos and all, births.... etc. In no way did I not feel happy for whoever it was that was announcing, updating, celebrating, and birthing. I just wanted it to be me too.

After posting on facebook last night about FertilAide many friends commented and sent me messages about their own struggles with becoming pregnant. Here I thought that I was all alone. Alone on the road less traveled because everyone else around me seemed to be on the other road- The crowded one, the fertile one. While I wish so badly that these friends, many who have been trying so much longer than I and some who haven't had the opportunity to mother at all, did not have to be on this painful road, I feel strengthened to know that I am not alone. I feel like I can keep going. That if more months bring more negative tests I will somehow be ok. And so I just wanted these friends to know how grateful I am that they were so willing to open up to me about something that is so incredibly painful. I am sure we have all asked ourselves: What is wrong with me? Do I not deserve a baby? What am I doing wrong in my life? Does God not love me enough to give me a baby? But I know that we do deserve this. That God does love us. And He is grateful that we desire such a righteous thing. Because He knows that being a mother is no easy thing. It is the hardest thing I think women are blessed to do on this Earth.

Many may not understand what I am feeling because I already have one child. People often say, you know you can get pregnant, carry, and birth a baby so why are you so worried. And they are right. I do know that. I do know why I feel so worried- time. I hate time. It makes me so uncomfortable. I measure everything against time. And so much time has gone by. If I would have gotten pregnant as fast as I did with Jack I would be holding a baby in my arms by now. Every month I check the calendar. If I am pregnant this month I will be 16 weeks when school breaks for summer. I will be 24 weeks when school begins again. I will be due in... etc. etc. etc. Can you see why I hate time. And then there are those who think I should feel satisfied because I already have a child. As if me wanting more children makes me less grateful for the one I already have. What is always so ironic to me is that the people who would say this to me usually have a handful of children themselves. I wanted to just say well then why didn't you just stop at one? Wasn't your first born enough for you? But you see it's not that at all. I simply want to mother. I want to have as many children as I possibly can have. If I actually can't have any more children will I be happy with my one? Of course. Will the longing for more subside? Perhaps in time it will.

Simply said... I just want to mother. I have wanted to my whole life. I only ever imagined having a large family. My entire life I imagined something different than what is in front of me. Maybe this is why it is so difficult. Life is just so hard sometimes. There really is no explanation other than this is mortality. And mortality is full of pain and trial. But it is also full of joy and blessings. And I am holding out strong for those.

So to those of you who are traveling on this road with me please know that I am praying for you.

Update

Please excuse what will seem like my own personal pity party below... Here is an update on what's been going on in our lives!

1. Our family was in a car accident 2 days after Christmas while on vacation in Utah... our first day of vacation to be exact. Long story short... it was our fault, our car was totaled, I was taken by ambulance along with the driver of the other car, the passenger in the other car, an 81 year old woman, was taken by helicopter to Las Vegas, we prayed and fasted the lady would be ok, we got a new Dodge Journey and a new car payment :(, we got a letter letting us know that we could possibly be sued for our assets. That's where we stand with that.

2. As most of you know we have been trying for a baby for a while, a long while. I had some strange bleeding for a couple months so decided to make a doctors appointment. My OB said that he just thought it was dips in my hormones that were causing me to spot throughout the month. Then last week I started bleeding more than usual. So I went to see my family doctor and she found a lesion on my cervix. So, time will tell what that means... trauma, cyst, abnormal cells, cervical cancer? Obviously, I am still not pregnant.

3. I took Jack to his 2 year check up today. The doctor is concerned about the growth of Jack's head. He feels that it grew too much since his 18 month check up. I asked him what this could mean and his reply was, "it can indicate a lot of rare conditions". So he said he wants to wait 3 months to see how much it grows. HE WANTS TO WAIT 3 MONTHS. That means 3 long months of worry for me. If his head is still growing too fast, the doctor will order a CT Scan which will require Jackson to be put under. Have any of you gone through this with your child/children. If so, please share! It might help calm my nerves.

So all in all, I have been a freakin' basket case lately. When it rains it pours right? Well I am waiting for the sunshine and rainbows. They should be showing up really soon shouldn't they?
So please keep us in your prayers. We sure could use them. Especially pray that Jack just has a large head and that there isn't anything wrong with my sweet boy.

Valentine's Day Subway Art

Yes people I am still alive. So much has been going on lately, but I will save that for another post. Since we are living at home with Sam's parents right now I haven't really been into crafting. Today I got home from the temple and felt the need to create something. So now I am sharing it with all of you! Since Valentine's Day is right around the corner I decided to go with the ever so easy subway art. It makes a great decoration. Click on the picture below. It will be opened in a new window. From there right click on the picture and hit save as. You can print it as large as 16x20. I always print my subway art at Costco! Enjoy!

Cruelty at Its Finest!

So folks I was late this month (and still am)... My hopes were so high. But much to no avail it is still a negative. I decided to go for the old fashion pregnancy test this time- 1 line not pregnant, 2 lines pregnant. The results were quick and immediate. It kinda felt like the pain you feel when you quickly rip off a band-aid. Unlike the digital test which is more like taking a band-aid of slowly. I don't know which I prefer because in the end the pain in my heart was still the same. I gave myself a 5 minute ugly cry moment. (Have you ever stood in front of a mirror during an ugly cry? It actually isn't a bad idea because when you see just how ugly you look you will probably stop crying sooner!) I must admit that I felt a little lingering anger as I drove to work. But for the most part, I felt I handled it somewhat well.

I find this to be the "cruelist" (which is not a word outside of my world) joke mother nature has ever played on me!!!! In fact the joke is continuing on.... since I still haven't started. The craziest part of all is this lingering hope that I have that maybe just maybe I actually could be pregnant. But when I actually think about it I know I am not, and so another month begins. Please just let this vicious and depressing cycle break sometime soon!!!

31 Wreath

I totally took the easy way out on this one and copied a wreath I did for Christmas last year! This is super easy. It took me a little less than 2 hours from start to finish! (Perfect craft while your baby naps!) All you need is a foam or straw wreath foam, sewing pins, about six 12x12 scrapbook pages, a paper slicer, and a bone folder. Take your 12x12 papers and cut them into 1/2 " x 12" pieces. Once you have a whole bundle of strips in all different patterns take the bone folder and curl the paper. Once you have a ton a curly papers stick a pin through the middle and stick it into your wreath form. Continue until the whole wreath is full. I worked on one section at a time. Add embellishments as desired. I remembered a ribbon wreath that Jen from Tatertots and Jello did for Halloween one year and she added the numbers 31 to it and I just loved it, so that is who I copied it from!!! Enjoy.

And just in case you are wondering why I am taking a picture of the wreath on a rocking chair it's because I have the worst lighting on my front door where my wreath is currently hanging. I chose to keep this one inside since it is a paper wreath.

BOO Blocks

These are for my mom. I love them! I want to make a set for myself!!! I decided to make a Halloween Wreath too! I don't know why I do this to myself so stay tuned!

Halloween Advent Calendar

Since I am back working again I haven't been able to do as many crafts as I would like to. But I was committed to getting at least one thing done for Halloween. I knew I wanted it to be a good one and I am so happy with the way it turned out. I decided to do an advent calendar for Halloween. I LOVED my Christmas one, but wanted to do something different for Halloween. Instead of using a cookie sheet I decided to use wood. I bought an 11x14 piece of wood from JoAnns. It was $9.99 but I used a coupon and got it for 5 bucks! I painted the board black and then picked two coordinating scrapbook papers and mod podged them on the wood. My orange paper at the top and bottom are both 3 inches wide. The black designed paper in the the middle is 7 inches. I inked the edges of the paper and then used mod podge to adhere them to the wood. During the twenty minute wait time I used my Cricut to cut the letters for the words: Countdown to Candy. I added Martha Stewart glitter to the letters using mod podge. When I applied the mod podge on top of the paper I added the letters. Then I added a black and orange polka dot ribbon to cover both seams - top and bottom. Now that the board was done I gathered the following materials:

Glitter, Scrapbook Paper, Embellishments, Ribbons, Ric Rac, Tulle, Stamp Pad, Mod Podge, Elmer's Spray Adhesive Glue, sponge paintbrush, and Velcro.
Once I had all my supplies I made numbers 1-30. Here is how I did it: (This takes a while, a long while!)
1. Cut 12x12 papers into 6x6 squares.
2. Ink Edges.
3. Use cricut, silhouette, or buy pre-made chipboard numbers for countdown pieces.
4. Add glitter to numbers using Mod Podge (Martha Stewart Onyx is what I used)
5. Use spray adhesive to attach numbers to 6x6 squares.
6. Embellish each square with ribbons, ric rac, etc.
7. Adhere Velcro to the back of each square and to the actual board.

The best part is I have a ton of stuff left over that I can use for other Halloween crafts for years to come!!


Put it on display and change the numbers each day!!! I hope Jackson (and hopefully more future babies) will enjoy doing this for years to come!!!!!!

Just in case you thought that no news was good news... think again! A big, fat NOT PREGNANT showed up on the test again. It was like my heart was stabbed with a thousand knives. Holy crap! I am depressed. BLAH! Yep, that pretty much describes how I am feeling.

Disclosure:
Please know that I do understand so many are suffering more than I. And I actually do think of others often, and pray for them too. But I am only me. And this is how I feel about this particular situation right now. It's just hard for me to understand why this isn't happening for us right now. I AM VERY GRATEFUL for what I already have in my life- Ipromise. It is just hard to not be sad when you want something so badly.

I Think I'll Move to Australia

Flat Tire Monday:
You know that feeling on Monday. That dragging feeling. That "I can't believe I have five days to get through before the weekend comes" feeling! How about the feeling when work is finally done and you get to begin your trek home. That's a good feeling. Especially if Monday was your first day of school as a kindergarten teacher!!! Let me tell you my excitement upon leaving school. It was 3:45. I am headed to my car. I hear an announcement from the school secretary: "Please be sure to call all students who did not show up today to find out if they are drops!" I turned right around and walked back to my classroom! :( I made 10 + calls. It was 4:15 by the time I finished. So happy to be in my car and on my way. And then not even 3 blocks from school I hear a pop. I knew the sound. I didn't want to stop. I thought just keep going. Just pretend like you don't know your tire is flat. But of course I couldn't!!! BLAH! AAA, America's Tires, and a 50 mile drive later I arrive home at 8 o'clock in the evening!

I think I'll move to Australia!

'Teacher' filled Tuesday:
First day with 30 - 5 year olds! My day consisted of one word said a billion times over- teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher, TEACHER, TEACHER, teacher, TEACHER, teacher, teacher, teacher, TEACHER, TEACHER, TEACHER!!!

I think I'll move to Australia!

Hump day Wednesday: (not the dirty kind)
Why are Wednesdays such hard days? Enough said.

I think I'll move to Australia!


1 million Ants Thursday:
Wednesday night I parked under a tree. I've parked here at least a few dozen times before. Never had a problem. I walked to my car that morning- after sleeping in an extra 45 minutes. Loaded Jack in his seat, got in mine, and then I see them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANTS! EVERYWHERE! MILLIONS! OH MY GOSH!
How do ants survive a can of ant spray, a car wash, and a 50 mile drive?!?!?
I decided on this day that I would take a match to my car and walk away! Did I just curse my Friday?

I think I'll move to Australia!
Wait, are there ants in Australia?

Fire Friday:
At dismissal I notice a large fire. I say out loud, please tell me that is not on the freeway! To which someone responded, No it doesn't even look close to the freeway! I thought oh yes, yes it does! Walk back to my room and hear my cell phone go off. It's Sam, "Are you in traffic?" Right away I know it's on the freeway. Then I notice a missed call from my mom. Call my voicemail. "Hey Megan the 15 South bound is closed because of a fire. Call dad and he will tell you how to get around it!" JUST GREAT! For those of you who don't know, I work in Victorville. One direct route in and one out- the 15. Unless you go around. The long way. The really long way. My Dad sends me towards Phelan. Headed that way when I get the call that they are now closing that road also. I turn around and go back in the other direction. You know the direction all 1 million cars are headed in!!! Surprisingly it only took me turning around 2 times, pulling over one time, one car sickness, and 2 hours to get home!

For those of you who heard me say I was planning on burning my car to the ground on the side of the freeway I didn't. I was not the cause of the fire. I still have my car. It's in one piece. It has one patched tired, smells like a can of ant spray, and has 1 million dead ants in the black carpet to prove it!!!

If this week is any sign of how my year will be I am in for one heck of a ride!!!!!

Some wondered why I was already counting down days till the end of the school year. Now you know!!!!

It was a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week!!!

Here's to a better one, or else I am headed to Australia!