Saturday, September 13, 2014

8 Weeks and 2 Days

I saw my precious little baby on August 8th. My little peanut's heart beating away on that screen. Our little miracle. They gave me 4 pictures. This is all I have left to prove that my baby once was.  That was the first and last time I ever saw him.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Before Our Loss- Our Story (Part 1)

It was 6:00 am. Nausea woke me up for the second day in a row. I had a test hidden in the back of the cabinet in the bathroom. (It was hidden because Sam didn't like it when I put myself through the heartache of taking a test and seeing a negative month after month for 4 years.) Everyone was asleep so I thought I would take the test, see a negative, take it out the trash outside and no one would ever know I once again put myself through this kind of torture. I laid the test on the counter and thought, "You're so stupid! Why are you even doing this? You know what it's going to be." I sat on the toilet and waited. I saw one line come up showing the test was working. I look back seconds later and see another line. I was in shock. Could this really be? I ran in and woke up Sam. I don't think he realized what I was saying, especially through the tears. He told me to go to CVS and get more tests. I took 2  more over the next 2 hours. 
All positive. 

We were pregnant. 
We finally got our little miracle. 
We were so happy. 
In an instant this baby restored joy and hope into our lives.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

28 Days

I feel like I am reliving the same 28 days over and over.  On Day 1 I just sit in the shower and I cry so no one in the house can hear me. So no one knows that I was stupid enough to actually think that I thought this month was going to be different.  Around day 3 usually comes the anger.  Sometimes I cry out, "Why is this happening to me?" I never get an answer. I don't know if it's because I can't hear it or maybe there really isn't one to be given.  The days between this day and day 9 I usually feel that maybe it is time to give up. To just accept that this is "what's meant to be" because that's what people keep telling me.  Around day 10 I usually begin to feel this sense of restored hope.  That somehow even after 30+ months of disappointment this month will be different.  It HAS to be different. Then on Day 15 I get a positive ovulation test and for the next 13-15 days I think how can I not be? How can this not happen? I look at the calendar and count ahead 40 weeks figuring out when I would be due. I convince myself that I am having "symptoms" and that I must be pregnant even though just last month I did the same thing and promised myself I would never do this again.  Around day 25 I feel anxious every time I go to the bathroom. I check the calendar and count days over and over again hoping and pleading that it won't happen- that I won't bleed.  But then I do and all hope is lost and there I am in the shower crying so no one in the house can hear me.  So no one knows that I was stupid enough to actually think that I thought this month was going to be different. 

This month was a little different though because on day 17 I found out that I have to have my right tube removed.  And that if the insurance doesn't approve of this "elective" surgery I have to have my tubes tied. 

On Day 17 I found out that what I thought for a long time was true. That something was wrong with me. That Jackson was a miracle.  I told people he was.  I knew he was. 

On Day 17 I felt content that I FINALLY knew what was wrong with me.

On Day 17 I felt hopeful.  That this was going to get fixed.

Today is day 20. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel anxious. I feel like I don't know how to handle this. I hate my body because it won't let me have a baby.

Tomorrow is day 21. I want to feel hope again.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Creekside Ward Super Saturday

Hello ladies of the Creekside Ward! Our Super Saturday will be on October 20th at 10:00 a.m.  We will be asking that sisters sign up to bring soups, salads, and desserts.  Pictures and prices of the crafts available to make on Super Saturday are shown below. Please see me for an order form if you need one.  All money and order forms are due to me by Sunday, September 8th.  Some of the crafts require you to bring your own acrylic craft paint.  These can be found at Hobby Lobby, Joann's, and Michael's for as little as 65 cents!  There will also be a FREE card making class hosted by Rhonda Paterson from 10 am until 11 am ONLY!! We are looking forward to seeing all of you at Super Saturday!!!

Behold Him Blocks
Price: $21
Size: 19.5" long x 9 " tall

(Paper and embellishments may vary. The paper will be the same colors, browns and tans, as paper above.)

Hope, Love, Faith Sign
Price: $13
Size: 12x12 inches
Vinyl Stencil
Antique White Paint Provided to Paint Board and your Choice of either Black or Brown Paint for Lettering. You bring your own accent paint color if desired.

Love is the Tie Board
Price: $13
Size: 12x12 inches
Please note: Grey Paint will not be Provided!
Antique White Paint Provided to Paint Board and your Choice of either Black or Brown Paint for Lettering. You bring your own accent paint color if desired. 

Family Rules Subway Art
Cream, Brown and Black Vinyl Options
You need to bring your own acrylic craft paint to paint your wood board.
(2 small bottles would be more than enough to cover the entire board)

 Halloween Subway Art
Price: $18 
Size: 10x24 inches
Your Choice of:
Black Paint with Orange Vinyl
Black Paint with Cream Vinyl
and White Paint with Black Vinyl

Thanksgiving/Fall Subway Art
Price: $18
Size: 10x24 inches
Your Choose:
Brown Paint with Cream Vinyl
Antique White Paint with Brown Vinyl
(if you would like a different color paint option please bring your own paint)

Christmas Subway Art
Price: $18
Size: 10x24 inches

(Stenciled Boards Not Available)

Color Options:
Antique White Board with Red Vinyl
Red Board with Cream Vinyl (pictured above)

If you would like a different paint color please you need to provide your own.

 Primitive Wood Stackers
Price: $9
Size: 9x7.5 inches + added height for bow

Trick or Treat Stacker: $9

Autumn, Harvest, Blessings Stacker: $9

Joy, Peace, Believe Stacker: $9

Prayer Stacker: $9
Your choice of either black or brown vinyl and you need to bring an accent paint color (acrylic craft paint) for bottom wood piece. Your ribbon will either be black or brown depending on the color vinyl you choose.

Monogramed Soap Bottle
Price: $4
Your Choice of Black or Brown Vinyl
Please specify Monogram letter on Order Form

 Christmas Tile Coasters
Set of 5
Price: $6
If you would like to personalize these coasters you can bring family photos that can be cut down to  3.5 x 3.5 inch squares. Perfect gift from grandparents, aunts, uncles, or for your own home!!! :) Please bring photos that have been printed at a photo lab.  Photos printed from a home computer will be ruined by the Mod Podge.

Holy cow I am going to be busy!!! Be a doll and get your orders in as soon as you can!!! ;)

Monday, July 23, 2012

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time long, long ago getting pregnant was so easy. Once upon a time long, long ago I was healthy. There were no such thing as monthly doctor visits and blood tests or daily medication. Oh how I long for that once upon a time long, long ago!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting.  We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come."
-Joseph F. Smith

Sunday, July 1, 2012

On the road again....

I am back on the road again... The trying for a baby road. I am happy to be back. Before the rest stop I was at about mile marker 584. That's how many days we tried... Give or take a few. I am supposed to somehow trick my mind that I am really only on mile marker 0 and starting over because those first 584 miles didn't count. I was excited about the idea of getting back on the road. I was sick of being stuck with "engine problems" at the rest stop. But this road is scary. It's every twenty ninth mile or so that usually gets the best of me... Like today. I am at mile twenty nine and it is so painful here. This is usually the point where my heart is crushed into a thousand hopeless pieces. Usually there are people here at mile 29 but they're celebrating. Sam and I were driving today. Jack was in the back seat. Sam said to me can you imagine another little baby back there. I responded most painfully with, "no, I really can't." I used to imagine lots of babies in my backseat. But I don't anymore. I can't. It's so painful. I want another baby in that back seat and in our family so badly. I just don't know how many more miles it will take. This road can feel so lonely at times. It can be so depressing and long. I hate not knowing how long this trip is going to take, but I believe it is taking me to a wonderful place and so I travel on.