I have felt so overwhelmed with emotion for the past day. For months now I have felt alone. I have felt great pain with every pregnancy announcement, baby shower invitation, weekly facebook updates with belly photos and all, births.... etc. In no way did I not feel happy for whoever it was that was announcing, updating, celebrating, and birthing. I just wanted it to be me too.
After posting on facebook last night about FertilAide many friends commented and sent me messages about their own struggles with becoming pregnant. Here I thought that I was all alone. Alone on the road less traveled because everyone else around me seemed to be on the other road- The crowded one, the fertile one. While I wish so badly that these friends, many who have been trying so much longer than I and some who haven't had the opportunity to mother at all, did not have to be on this painful road, I feel strengthened to know that I am not alone. I feel like I can keep going. That if more months bring more negative tests I will somehow be ok. And so I just wanted these friends to know how grateful I am that they were so willing to open up to me about something that is so incredibly painful. I am sure we have all asked ourselves: What is wrong with me? Do I not deserve a baby? What am I doing wrong in my life? Does God not love me enough to give me a baby? But I know that we do deserve this. That God does love us. And He is grateful that we desire such a righteous thing. Because He knows that being a mother is no easy thing. It is the hardest thing I think women are blessed to do on this Earth.
Many may not understand what I am feeling because I already have one child. People often say, you know you can get pregnant, carry, and birth a baby so why are you so worried. And they are right. I do know that. I do know why I feel so worried- time. I hate time. It makes me so uncomfortable. I measure everything against time. And so much time has gone by. If I would have gotten pregnant as fast as I did with Jack I would be holding a baby in my arms by now. Every month I check the calendar. If I am pregnant this month I will be 16 weeks when school breaks for summer. I will be 24 weeks when school begins again. I will be due in... etc. etc. etc. Can you see why I hate time. And then there are those who think I should feel satisfied because I already have a child. As if me wanting more children makes me less grateful for the one I already have. What is always so ironic to me is that the people who would say this to me usually have a handful of children themselves. I wanted to just say well then why didn't you just stop at one? Wasn't your first born enough for you? But you see it's not that at all. I simply want to mother. I want to have as many children as I possibly can have. If I actually can't have any more children will I be happy with my one? Of course. Will the longing for more subside? Perhaps in time it will.
Simply said... I just want to mother. I have wanted to my whole life. I only ever imagined having a large family. My entire life I imagined something different than what is in front of me. Maybe this is why it is so difficult. Life is just so hard sometimes. There really is no explanation other than this is mortality. And mortality is full of pain and trial. But it is also full of joy and blessings. And I am holding out strong for those.
So to those of you who are traveling on this road with me please know that I am praying for you.