Thursday, February 2, 2012

"The Not So Road Less Traveled"

I have felt so overwhelmed with emotion for the past day. For months now I have felt alone. I have felt great pain with every pregnancy announcement, baby shower invitation, weekly facebook updates with belly photos and all, births.... etc. In no way did I not feel happy for whoever it was that was announcing, updating, celebrating, and birthing. I just wanted it to be me too.

After posting on facebook last night about FertilAide many friends commented and sent me messages about their own struggles with becoming pregnant. Here I thought that I was all alone. Alone on the road less traveled because everyone else around me seemed to be on the other road- The crowded one, the fertile one. While I wish so badly that these friends, many who have been trying so much longer than I and some who haven't had the opportunity to mother at all, did not have to be on this painful road, I feel strengthened to know that I am not alone. I feel like I can keep going. That if more months bring more negative tests I will somehow be ok. And so I just wanted these friends to know how grateful I am that they were so willing to open up to me about something that is so incredibly painful. I am sure we have all asked ourselves: What is wrong with me? Do I not deserve a baby? What am I doing wrong in my life? Does God not love me enough to give me a baby? But I know that we do deserve this. That God does love us. And He is grateful that we desire such a righteous thing. Because He knows that being a mother is no easy thing. It is the hardest thing I think women are blessed to do on this Earth.

Many may not understand what I am feeling because I already have one child. People often say, you know you can get pregnant, carry, and birth a baby so why are you so worried. And they are right. I do know that. I do know why I feel so worried- time. I hate time. It makes me so uncomfortable. I measure everything against time. And so much time has gone by. If I would have gotten pregnant as fast as I did with Jack I would be holding a baby in my arms by now. Every month I check the calendar. If I am pregnant this month I will be 16 weeks when school breaks for summer. I will be 24 weeks when school begins again. I will be due in... etc. etc. etc. Can you see why I hate time. And then there are those who think I should feel satisfied because I already have a child. As if me wanting more children makes me less grateful for the one I already have. What is always so ironic to me is that the people who would say this to me usually have a handful of children themselves. I wanted to just say well then why didn't you just stop at one? Wasn't your first born enough for you? But you see it's not that at all. I simply want to mother. I want to have as many children as I possibly can have. If I actually can't have any more children will I be happy with my one? Of course. Will the longing for more subside? Perhaps in time it will.

Simply said... I just want to mother. I have wanted to my whole life. I only ever imagined having a large family. My entire life I imagined something different than what is in front of me. Maybe this is why it is so difficult. Life is just so hard sometimes. There really is no explanation other than this is mortality. And mortality is full of pain and trial. But it is also full of joy and blessings. And I am holding out strong for those.

So to those of you who are traveling on this road with me please know that I am praying for you.


Caytlin said...

Megan, I'm so sorry for this trial you've been going through. It took me a year and a miscarriage to finally get pregnant with Hannah and during that time, I had so many of the same feelings you've expressed here. I couldn't understand why I wasn't allowed to have a baby. Once I got pregnant and had Hannah, though, I realized God's timing was SO much better than mine. Had I had her on MY timing, I would have had to still work full time, my husband was unemployed, and we had LOTS of drama and legal stuff going on with my stepdaughter. Now I'm at a point where I'm able to work part time, and next year I'll be able to work even less so I can be home more. It's amazing what God's timing can do. I know it's SO HARD in the mean time, but I KNOW you'll pull through this, and once you do have another beautiful baby, you will thank Heavenly Father for his perfect timing. I'm sure there's another spirit waiting to join your family. It's just not the right time for him or her to be here yet. BUT, I'm sure he or she is very anxiously awaiting the day they can come home to you! :) xoxo Caytlin

Markarian Lane said...

I feel your pain as I had a huge dissapoint on the 7th of Jan as I was 10 weeks along and had a misscarriage then had to have a D&C. I was an emotional wreck however before went to the hospital I had a blessing so I would be comforted during this process. I know how hard it is to try and have a kid as it took Dan and I from March till November to finally get pregnant and then for sad news. I just kept a positive attitude and said that the Lord has better things for us and one day I might be a mom. Enjoy Jackson and time will come when #2 comes. The older I get the harder it is but I know one day it will happen. Have some faith and ask for a blessing you never know what might happen.

Brianna said...

I can't say that I know how you feel, because I don't. Although I felt like I went through the whole process with my sister every month when the test would say no. It's so hard sometimes to really just leave the situation at the Lords feet and know that he is the one who is in control. We will never know this side of heaven why he does certain things and why he chooses to give many Moms children whom they don't want and the Mom's who cry and plead everyday for him to give them that special child. I can say that I have grown a lot in dealing with my own trials and know that he doesn't waste our pain. I know that in dealing with Berlyn's situation he has molded and shaped me into being a better Mom, a better friend, and more open to listening to friends when they are hurting and going through hard times. I don't know what his plan is for your life, but I can assure you that he loves you and knows the desires of your heart. You might be facing this trial to be able to stand up and be the Mom who can comfort others in this hard situation. There is a light at the end of this long hard road. Just keep your head up and focus on him and really know he wants what's best for you! Love you friend and know that you are in my prayers!!

Jill Duncan said...

So sorry Megan! It took me almost 2 years and a tubular pregnancy which resulted in my right fallopian tube being removed, before I could get pregnant with Kaelyn. Like Caytlin I feel so strongly that Heavenly Father was in complete control. I know that Kaelyn came to me at the right time in my life. On the flip side I got pregnant with Austin a lot sooner than expected, but I know that he also came to us at the time Heavenly Father planned for him to come. Everyone's story is so different so no one can know exactly what you are going through, but I know a little of what that pain feels like. So sorry you have to go through this! Keeping you in my prayers and hoping that everything works for you guys!